Helpless

Helpless

is the only thing I can feel. The evil of humans knows no bounds tonight. There is nothing I or anyone can do to combat the capacity for terror and yet, I feel the tug to try deep within me. I often feel that I can lead by example and do everything I can to right the wrongs within my reach, but this amount of pain is so far beyond the grasp of any compassionate human. All we can do is watch, be aware, keep them in our thoughts and hearts. Our minds heavy in the hopes that theirs will be at least slightly lighter, though we know it is impossible. It is with our best intentions that we move on and try to continue to live in the world with the knowledge of this fearful potential, and maybe we can hold the door open a little longer for the next person to cross its path, smile at a perfect stranger, share the brunt of a large load to carry, put an arm around a shoulder that needs it, let someone into "your" lane on the freeway, do something good in the seemingly futile attempt to outweigh the bad. All you can do is your best. I will remind myself as the tears will surely fall tonight. 

 

 

http://www.theguardian.com/world/live/2015/nov/14/paris-terror-attacks-attackers-dead-mass-killing-live-updates

Going Home

It's been a rough day. I got messages from family last night that my grandma's leukemia had progressed and she had also developed an infection. The doctors didn't think she would be able to recover from it and possibly had a week. Then I got the call less than 12 hours later that she was gone. 

Peace Corps grants emergency leave for immediate family only and since my assignment was only to be 3 months, I didn't qualify for regular leave either. I'll have to "early terminate", which means quitting. It was an obvious decision because my family will always be the most important thing in my life, but it was a difficult one because I truly love it here. Rwanda is beautiful and its people are strong and determined to create a better life. However, if I think about looking back on this experience, I would feel a million times worse about not being there for my family and to remember my darling grandma together than I would about leaving a 3 month job. I also can't imagine being here, so alone, going through this. One of my favorite authors says in one of his books, "Pain shared, my brother, is pain not doubled but halved. No man is an island." -Neil Gaiman

Nancy Lee (Lantz) White was the strongest, most caring woman I've ever known. She cared deeply and fiercely for her family and had a way of making each and every one of us feel uniquely special. She was a constant that kept our family together. I'll never forget her beautiful singing voice, her love for Tom Selleck, her patience as she taught me how to make her famous Christmas bonbons, and countless sleepovers, making forts, and eating popcorn and peanut butter cups. The relationship she had with my grandpa has always been and still is my idealized version of love. The way he looked at her and claimed that everything she cooked was the best thing he had ever tasted. The way they put each other on a pedestal. The way they slow danced in the kitchen just because. A love that will never be duplicated, only aspired to. 

It's hard to be here while my family is so far, but I'll be getting on a plane tomorrow afternoon and I'll be in San Diego on Wednesday afternoon. The services will be in Indiana, where my grandparents are from, so I'll be heading there as soon as possible. Please keep my family in your thoughts. 

I love you, my darlin' grandma.

First Full Day

Full of food, new friends, new places, new people.

The place we're staying is really nice and feels like summer camp. Bunk beds and lines for the showers, cooking together, and playing board games. (Hot water showers!)There are 12 of us starting out together. We found out the real reason we're here. Apparently about 25 volunteers left Rwanda at the same time, either by "administrative separation" (kicked out) or "early termination" (quit). We're filling the gap until the end of the school year before the next group of education volunteers come in September.

We took a driving tour of Kigali yesterday and saw some really nice buildings and landscaping and walked through a market. I've never seen so many flies in one place but the variety of fruits and vegetables looked great! Then we went to a small grocery store at night and bought some pasta and vegetables to cook. The selection there was not great, but it's do-able. It's only 3 months. (Reminder to self.)

We're starting intensive language courses today. (4 hours starting at 8am.) YIKES! But I'm looking forward to it. Although, they've told us we can pretty much manage in English in most places and it's worked so far.

The money is about 7.22 Rwandan Francs to 1 US dollar, which means I'll never be able to calculate it in my head and will instead just pretend it's Monopoly money and say "take what you need" haha.

Okay gotta go to class. Just wanted to check in and tell you I survived day 1 of 90.

<3

Oh p.s. no dogs! It's a cultural/history-related thing, but they don't have strays and hardly any pet dogs! My butt will be safe for a few months.

On the Road Again

"Goin' places I've never been
Seein' things that I may never see again
And I can't wait to get on the road again."

Present: I'm sitting at a table in the Amsterdam airport, charging my electronics, facing the moving walkway and almost every passerby is speaking a different language. I arrived at 5am local time and nothing was open, the terminal was so calm and eerily serene. My connecting flight wasn't listed on the board yet since I arrived close to 5 hours prior so I grabbed a seat so I could check in with the family. I was sitting alone in a peaceful area and started quietly sending messages to Mom, Dad, and Carly when I heard gagging and retching nearby. A man was vomiting in the trashcan near me. I love traveling.

Past: Spending 3 months at home on "summer vacation" was so amazing and just what I needed. I loved every second I spent with my niece and nephew, my sister, parents, and friends and I felt as though I recharged my American batteries. I was lucky enough to be able to take a trip up to Seattle to visit one of my best friends, go on a beautiful camping/road trip up the coast, and visit my darlin' grandma, uncle, and aunt for a couple days. It flew by and as I was packing last night (just a few hours before it was time to leave for the airport- you know how I do) I felt as though I had just unpacked my giant backpack only to fill it back up with guesses as to what I'll need for the next few months. I feel so extremely fortunate to have such supportive family and friends and I can never thank my mom enough for all the food and love and being the place I can always come home to. And my sister for letting me borrow her car and letting me spend the night at least once a week so I could wake up to the cutest little voice saying "Chowsea!" I had a mini "see you later" party this week and was again so happily surprised by all the school supplies my friends bought me to donate. My heart (and bags) are so very full.

Future: I'll arrive in Kigali, Rwanda around 7pm on Sunday August 9th and I'll spend a week there for training. Then I'll head to my site and teach in a high school for 3 months. This experience will surely be very very different from Ecuador and although that makes me unexplainably nervous (because I'm a natural worry wart), it's also really exciting! I can't wait to not only experience a new culture and way of life, but also to challenge myself in an even more unknown environment than the last one I found myself in. I've been told I probably won't have electricity or running water and very limited access to internet and teaching resources. I'm ready.

Distant future: No, I still don't know what I'm going to do when I get back. =)

I'll do my best to update this when I can, but who knows?! I'll definitely keep writing even if it means with pen and paper and worst case scenario, I'll type everything in here in November.

When I say thank you for your support, those words really aren't enough to express how much it means to me. When you say I'm brave, it's because I know you have my back. When you say you're proud of me, you keep me going. I embrace challenges because I know that you'll love me whether I succeed or not. I only hope I make you feel the same.

Sending all my love,
Chels
<3

Brasil and California

There aren't a lot of places that I've visited where I've immediately thought, "I could live here". Ecuador wasn't even one of them until I was already there doing it. When I arrived in Sao Paulo, it didn't inspire that thought either. But Rio de Janeiro... siggghhhh... I can't think about that city without feeling a certain longing, a tug on my heart, a wistful nostalgia.

The beaches are incredibly beautiful and filled with people who are somehow impossibly even more beautiful. The food is amazing. The nightlife is outrageous. The people are warm and inviting and seem to be forever laughing. I kind of want to live there. But I can't figure out what the heck I would actually do there... besides stare at hot people on the beach.

So that's basically what I did for 2 weeks plus visited an island off the coast and another coastal town where I went to a cachaca factory tour and some waterfalls with a natural waterslide, which was AWESOME. Also went to Iguazu Falls, which are gigantic, incredible waterfalls that border Argentina and Paraguay. Partied often and much into the wee hours of the morning, dancing terribly to samba and drinking caipirinhas. So maybe I just fell in love with the vacation life in Rio... only one way to find out, I guess. ;)

I've been back in the US for 11 days now and I still can't get over:

• how late the sun sets. (I'm always asking what time it is between the hours of 6-8pm and then reacting with incredulity.)
• the price of alcohol. (How can anyone afford to get drunk here?! Oh right, people have jobs.)
• impatience. (Where are you all going and why can't you take your time getting there?? Oh right, you have a job. But South Americans have jobs and they're not all exasperated and hustle bustle.)
• throwing toilet paper in the toilet. (I walk into a bathroom and immediately scan it for the trashcan then have to consciously remind myself not to throw the TP in it.)
• trained pets. (Amazing.)

And more things I can't think of right now.

However, I'm extremely happy to be home! Spending a lot of time with my niece and nephew and they make me so very happy and keep me laughing. I've applied to a couple jobs so we'll see what happens. Had my first phone interview this morning in a long time and was so nervous I kept forgetting to breathe and thinking I was gonna puke but I think it went well. I'll update this with news when I have it.

Until then, if you're still reading, thank you. If not, that's okay. This is a good way for me to keep track of my adventures. Hoping for some more soon. Stay tuned.

Colombia and Sao Paulo

Present:
I wake up on my own at 6 or 7am now. I drink coffee at the kitchen window and watch monkeys and giant prehistoric looking birds steal fruit from the trees. I have my hands in the dirt for 4 or 5 hours and then I help cook lunch for a big Japanese-Brazilian family. I take a nap in the afternoon, sometimes in the hammock, and then spend the evening reading a book, going to a family function, or browsing the internet, daydreaming about home. On weekends I explore the city. I have a farmers tan, a perpetually sore back, and mosquito bites on every part of my body (including my eyebrows and the palm of my hand!) despite bathing myself in repellant every couple hours. I eat all organic and vegetarian, I sleep to the sound of thousands of frogs and crickets, and I think I must be living someone else's life. I think that's the beauty of this experience, walking a mile in someone else's moccasins or in my case, squatting for hours, pulling weeds in someone else's work boots.

Past:
Leaving Ecuador was so much harder than I ever could have imagined. I cried saying goodbye countless times, I cried in the taxi to the city, I cried on the bus to the border, and I got pretty choked up walking into Colombia, but I resisted the tears, trying to look as badass as possible in a notoriously dangerous place, alone, under the weight of a giant backpack.

Colombia highlights: meeting a really nice Colombian guy in Pasto who took me around to see museums and cool plazas expecting nothing in return, salsa dancing lessons in Cali, the salsa capital of the world, a water park complete with zipline into pool, 5 hour Bogotá bike tour, meeting a big group of crazy Danish people and listening to them sing their original rap song, meeting Carolina's family and going around Medellin with her sister, who was the best tour guide ever, and in general, complete independence.

This has been my first experience travelling totally alone and although it's been awesome, and I've learned a lot about both the places and myself, I've discovered that going solo is not really for me. I think I prefer sharing with someone else, bouncing ideas off of them, reveling in the marvels together, and having someone to turn to when things don't go right, which will inevitably happen. So, who wants to travel with me? My sister says I need a boyfriend. Maybe that's true. I'm accepting applications. Must love travel.

Future:
I had originally planned to work another farm in Rio de Janeiro but the more I think about it the more I think I deserve a proper vacation. So I'll be spending 2 weeks on the beach drinking caipirinhas and then I'll go to Iguazu Falls to see one of the natural wonders of the world. I might also visit some islands off the coast. Not a bad plan if you ask me. Just have to get through one more workday and Fridays are the hardest. Wish me luck!

The Beginning of the End

I have two days left in Pujili.

Come Thursday, gone will be the days in which I have to choose which side of the street is less dangerous to walk on- the one with the drunk man catcalling or the one with the barking dog. I'll no longer have to wait in line at the bank while the employee texts on her cell phone instead of helping customers. I won't be stared at by strangers because I look different. I won't wonder if lunch will make me sick. I'll be able to speak my native language, spend time with family and friends, and live in my comfort zone once again.

But gone, too, will be the days in which friends stop by unannounced to bring me food. I will no longer learn something new every day nor have loads of free time. I won't wait in line at the post office desperately hoping my care package has arrived. I won't walk slowly. I won't buy super fresh produce for pennies. I won't be able to hop on a bus and go anywhere in the country. And if I did hop on a bus, I wouldn't hear my name whispered by small children too shy to say hello but nonetheless happy to see me. No one will fall recklessly in love with me without the pretense of the rules of dating. No one will say "claps for Chelsea", followed by tiny people applauding me, just for showing up to my job. I won't be inherently interesting anymore. I'll have to leave all the wonderful people I've met in the last two crazy years.

I have a lot to look forward to, I know. But like I've mentioned before, change makes me cry. There will be a lot of tears in the next few days. They've already started today.

I would be remiss if I didn't at least mention the people who were the most important to me. First, my Peace Corps family- my lil brother, my thunder buddy, Todd, who made me laugh on days I wanted to cry and always had my back no matter what, as long as it was post 10:00am. My favorite couple, Eric and Em for being the most supportive, kind people I've ever met. (#SAGE) My lil sister, Katnip, the fun-loving, adventurous one with the best dance moves you've ever seen, who I can tell anything to and won't judge. My fatty club- Jazzy and Manisha, for always being ready to eat... a lot! And listening to me when I complain. The rest of my omnibus for making trainings much more interesting and for always caring about each other.

My Ecuas- my teachers, Tania, Sixto, Lorena, Segundo, for always taking my opinion into account, for being open-minded, for being patient with the silly gringa, and for being amazing friends. My first host family, who took care of me when I was sick every other day, fed me amazing food, gave me advice, taught me Spanish, and have always really cared about me. My site host family, for teaching me so much, for helping me get projects off the ground, and for making sure the dogs didn't bite me. Mi bichito for making my last couple months amazing.

I can't believe it's really finally coming to an end. It's crazy how you can dream about the day that you're "free" and then when the day comes, you don't really want to escape anymore. I am forever amazed at the human ability to adapt.

As I close this book and begin to write a new one, I'll attempt to continue chronicling my adventures, but I make no promises as I don't know what the internet situation will be like. But I should also thank you, reader, for your silent support throughout this experience. Without you, I'd have been talking to myself.

Lil Cdub signing off.

The Best Laid Plans

A LOT of people have been asking about my post Peace Corps plans. It stresses me out and I want it to stop. Haha! But it's completely understandable. The end is drawing near and it's time to make some decisions. 

My short-term plans are as such: I'll be "COS'ing" (Close of Service) one month early on March 5th and probably spend a weekend with my Ecua family before heading out. Then I plan to check out Colombia by bus, hopefully meeting Carolina's family at some point and maybe try to get to Yasuni before leaving Ecuador if I have time. Then I'll be flying down to Brazil to WWOOF. If you haven't heard of WWOOF'ing, it's basically a volunteer program for working on organic farms. I've heard back from 2 farms out of the 15 or so that I've contacted- one in Sao Paolo and one in Rio de Janeiro. They both cover all accommodation and meals. This is exactly what I wanted. It's getting real. I got my visa squared away last week and I've been studying Portuguese everyday. So you can't reeeallyy call me a procrastinator.

I'll be playing in the dirt for March and April and then I'll be at Tomorrowland in a small town outside of Sao Paolo in early May. If you haven't heard of Tomorrowland, it's a giant electronic music festival that's usually held in Belgium, but due to rising popularity, has recently started in Brazil and the US as well. I'll be camping at the festival and pretty much just getting one final South American party out of my system before heading back to the US to be a grown up. I should be back in the US by about May 8th-ish. I'm making sure to get to SD in time to celebrate Carly's 30th birthday! Exciting!

My long-term plans: I don't know. I'm strongly considering avoiding real life and leaving again, as I've been known to do in the past... After I graduated college, I moved up to San Francisco for 6 months in an attempt to put off adulthood and it ended up being one of the best times of my life. It was hard but if I had the choice to go back and do it again, I would. Although, when I got back to San Diego, reality meant toiling away in food service again, which was NOT the best time of my life. I was also volunteering which helped me to eventually get my big girl job at the Red Cross, which I loved, but I had to put in the hard time in cafes/restaurants/bars first to get by. I definitely believe in starting at the bottom, it helped me to appreciate working my way up, but I don't necessarily want to go back there. 

So I suppose maybe the smart decision would be to just woman up and try to find a stable, worthwhile job in the US. Get an apartment, buy a car, pay bills. But I just don't think I'm ready for that, or maybe not even meant to do that... ever. I'm 28 and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I know I want to see the world and I know I want my job to be something that makes others' lives easier. I couldn't have a more vague future.

I'm thinking about going to Southeast Asia, Thailand or Cambodia, or maybe Africa to volunteer, although for a shorter term this time around. Maybe 6 to 9 months. My host mom says this is a terrible idea because there's no way I'm going to find a husband in those countries hahaha as if that were my plan. The thing is, the experience I've gained during these two years has been invaluable, but in a professional sense, I've gained a lot of experience teaching English, which is not what I want to do with my life. So I'd like to go abroad again and work in a field I'd maybe like to pursue. Anti-trafficking, humanitarian relief, refugee assistance, I don't know! Any time I start to feel overwhelmed and stressed about all the possibilities, I have to force myself to take a step back and think, "look at all the possibilities!" and I am bathed in gratitude.

The glass is completely full. It has half water, half air. And my cup runneth over. Or something like that.

2 Years

My anniversary in Ecuador (2 years) came and went a few days ago without all the pomp and circumstance and thought I gave it last year. Life has just become so normal. I don't count up the days I've been here nor do I count down to leaving. I'm in this uncertain, in-between state, not ready for what's to come, but starting to feel the end of what's been. A ship between ports. I'M ON A METAPHORIC BOAT, y'all!

We had our "Close of Service Conference" last week, talked about future endeavors (including bs like resume building and networking), planned our goodbyes, and processed the last two crazy years. I only cried once, briefly, which is clear proof that I'm in denial. (It's not just a river in Egypt.) I refused to say goodbye to the other volunteers because we're trying to plan a final party in February, but really because I'm not ready. I just started to write out how much they mean to me, got choked up, erased it, and thought "I'll do it later", as I've done with so many things in the past couple weeks.

As an ode to the last two years, this is my comprehensive "firsts" list. It's not in any particular order and I'm sure there are things I forgot to include, but this is some of the ish I've done in the past 2 years:

• saw fireflies
• went ziplining
• milked a cow
• lived abroad
• ate pig foot soup
• made out under a waterfall
• attended a quinceañera
• told a funny story in another language
• gave away/sold almost all my stuff
• pet a monkey
• vomited sober
• adopted another family as my own
• took a bucket shower
• ate guinea pig
• used a squat toilet
• fed butterflies
• discovered my love for chicken neck
• fell in love in a weekend
• bartered
• watched bullfighting and sheepfighting
• went to a dog show
• saw a volcano erupt
• shot strangers in the face with foam (Carnaval)
• danced in a parade
• binge watched Netflix for over 5 hours
• rode on "la bestia" behind a speed boat
• became a godmother 
• pet a llama
• stool samples
• shared a glass with hundreds of people
• rode a horse
• was interviewed on TV news and in 3 newspapers
• danced salsa and bachata until the bar closed
• ate alpaca
• hiked for 4 days
• got stood up
• rode a bus for over 12 consecutive hours
• visited 2 new countries

There you have it. Some of it's awesome and some of it is not pretty, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. And writing it all down makes me appreciate it that much more. I know it's not over yet and I shouldn't jinx it but I've been incredibly lucky so far. I have friends who have been held at gunpoint or have had their entire houses cleaned out and robbed. Friends who've had worms, several times. During the medical exam part of the final conference, we went through my whole chart and it read something like this: "diarrhea, diarrhea, mild bronchitis, diarrhea, dog bite, annnd diarrhea". That's a pretty successful two years, if you ask me! Although, the dentist did tell me I have Class 1 Gingivitis because my gums bled when he poked them really hard several times with what was basically a tiny metal shank. I call BS but I'm still flossing every night.

I'll be updating (too) soon with some kind of final wrap-up. Until then, friends, don't be afraid to try new things and don't forget to floss.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring.
<3

The Trouble with Two Homes and Yellow Underwear

I came "home" to Pujili today to a slew of nuisances. The rude taxi driver didn't get out of his car to help me with my bags although I was quite obviously on the struggle bus. My landlords and their family also saw me dragging my giant backpack, red in the face, trying to lift it over their truck and didn't lift a finger. None of the ATM's in town were working and I needed to pay rent and grocery shop for my old mother Hubbard kitchen and had a measly $10 to my name. The tienda lady gave me a hard time about said $10 bill because it had a tiny tear on one side until I pushed out my lower lip and said "it's all the money I have". A piece in the back of my toilet broke right before I left and didn't have time to fix it so I realized it was still broken, said a few curse words, and attempted to fix it, accidentally sprayed super glue all over my hand, said a few more curse words and slapped duct tape on it and called it a day. I finally went to cook dinner at 8pm and realized someone (my landlord) had disconnected my troublesome gas tank so I went in the backyard with a flashlight and tried to reconnect it to no avail. I baked some eggs for dinner. They were surprisingly tasty.

And yet, all of this is part of this "home". This feels more familiar to me now than San Diego does. Now, before you get all up in arms about wanting me to come back to SD (Mom), it doesn't mean that I prefer these nuisances to those I experience in the US. They're 100% different, but each place has its own sources of stress. The US isn't perfect either, no matter how much I idealize it when I'm homesick here. It's just so strange to me that I feel more at home here, while I've been counting down the days until I can get back there. They warned me this would happen. Just when you start to finally feel comfortable, you'll leave. As Ron Burgandy once said, I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!

Anyway.

Christmas was amazing! I ate and drank to my heart's content (and past it) every day I was home. I spent a lot of time (though never enough) with my sobrinitos, bonded over beers with Carly and Chris singing Son by Four and watching vine videos, I had brunches and lunches and hikes with great friends, I danced, I laughed, I drove, I sang, I hugged, and I loved every minute of it. I only allowed myself to cry for 1 minute in the airport bathroom because I know I'll be back soon. Until then, don't forget about me, San Diego!

how could you not be in love with this city?!

Cupcake ATM's are a thing now so I guess I'm moving to LA

Devil, Angel, Granny forevs.

you be my wings and I'll be your anchor

with all my heart

Back in Ecuador, I rang in the New Year in Quito. Año Viejo and Año Nuevo were pretty awesome! There are so many superstitions, which I love, and I got to spend it with my wonderful host family, so it was really fun being a part of all the different traditions here. I wore yellow underwear to bring good luck in the new year. I ate lentils for good luck. I made a life-size doll (monigote/viejo/muñeco) that resembled me and represents my "old year" or the previous year, which we burned at midnight, burning all of the bad energy from 2014 in order to start fresh. On the doll, I placed my testamento, which listed all the things I would like 2015 to bring to my loved ones and to me. I ate 12 grapes at midnight, one for each month of the new year, and made one wish with each grape. I washed my hands with champagne and brown sugar to wash away the bad energy. We ate dinner together after midnight and stayed up until 4:00am just chatting. We had a couple beers between the three of us but it was just good, clean fun. So very different from all New Year's Eves in the past, but though the superstitions seem silly, they're a kind of hopeful and self-fulfilling prophecy to focus on the positive, even the underwear. I think I'll be carrying these traditions on in the future, no matter where I am. 

Giant monigote in Quito

My monigote- muy parecidas, no?

2014 wasn't a bad year, but it was still fun to watch it BURN!

 

2014 was the underdog that came back and bit its critics (me) in the ass! (That's reminiscent.) My first year of Peace Corps (2013) was probably my most challenging to date and I didn't have the highest hopes for my second and final year. This time last year, I was bawling my eyes out in the airport at the thought of leaving behind my family, friends, and home once again. But alas, I guess my attitude had nowhere to go but up, and this year exceeded my every expectation. 

2015 is a huge mystery. I feel anxious and excited and it gives me butterflies to think about all the possibilities. My only resolution this year is to be present and mindful during every interaction. I know this isn't a SMART goal, it can't be measured, it's not time-bound, it may not even be realistic, but it's something I would like to work on. I don't want to feel like I missed out on anything because I was counting down to something in the future or dwelling on what happened or could have happened in the past. It's okay to have two homes, or ten or twenty. As long as you always have on your figurative yellow underwear.

Happy 2015, friends! Feliz Año, amigos!