As many of you may have seen on my facebook status,
I have not been a very productive human being since returning to Ecuador. (Or
maybe you’re not even my friend and you’re just creepin’ on my blog, well,
welcome! And I’m sorry.) I spent a good few days wallowing in my own homesick
misery and eating everything in sight. But tonight I have done something to
make up for all the wasted time of my entire life, I have accomplished a feat I
never thought possible, a milestone so extraordinary, I had to immediately
write a blog post about it… I made homemade tortillas! I know what you’re
thinking, “what could have caused you to even attempt such a seemingly
impossible challenge?” See above, I ate everything in sight. I only had half an
avocado, some salsa, and some chocolate (see previous blog about living the
dream of getting paid in chocolate).
I guess I shouldn’t bluff you beloved readers (and
creepin’ strangers), these weren’t exactly Mission or Guerrero quality tortillas.
(God! I had to google “brands of tortillas” in order to make that reference,
THAT’s how long I’ve been out of SoCal. Pathetic.) Mine were definitely not
circular, but instead, a shape I can only describe as “tortillangular”. Also,
the flour here automatically comes with baking powder mixed into it (do not ask
me why) so the tortillas kept rising. So I suppose they’re more like pita, or
naan. OH SNAP you guys, I made homemade naan! This is going in the history
books.
The taste is pretty much tortilla-esque though. If
tortillas taste like crackers. I’ve already eaten three so that’s pretty much a
testament to their deliciousness, not just that they’re edible.
I took a selfie with one of my yummy misshapen
tortillas because come on, who wouldn’t?! (Microsoft Word still says that “selfie”
isn’t a word. It’s 2014, MS, get with the program. Literally.)
I know what you’re thinking, “didn’t you get flour
on your camera?” The answer is yes. But it was worth it to document this
significant day. Also I'm sure you're wondering, “can I have your recipe??” Why yes, you can! I’m about
to turn this shiz into a food blog! WASSUP!
Homemade Naan/Tortillas
Ingredients:
2 cups flour for the mixture
1 cup flour for everywhere else
½ teaspoon salt
¾ cup water
3 tablespoons oil
A shit-ton of butter because I only have a
Crappy frying pan
Method:
1. Mix the flour and salt with the measuring spoon so that you don’t have
to dirty any unnecessary dishes. Dishwashers do not grow on trees.
2. Mix in the water and oil using said measuring spoon, give up because it’s
too tiny, and use your hands.
3. Let the mixture sit for ten minutes. Or 3 and a half if you’re
impatient.
4. Get out your apple shaped cutting board that is just a little bit too
small for any task you assign it and flour the board, the rolling pin, your
hair, the floor, under your nails, any items nearby, and your butt. (Sometimes
you get an itch that you just have to scratch.)
5. Grab little blobs of the mixture and flatten them as best you can using
an empty wine bottle as a rolling pin. A full wine bottle can be substituted
but really, shouldn’t you be drinking it by now if you’re following this
ridiculous recipe?
6. Try very hard to make circles with the dough, fail, settle on
tortillangular shape. Or hexagaNaan, accordingly.
7. Transfer flattened dough to the warm frying pan resisting the urge to
spin it in the air like a stereotypical Italian pizza chef. (It will fall
apart. Trust me. And I only know a couple verses of “That’s amore”.)
8. Cook each side of the tortilla/naan until it resembles food.
9. Nom nom nom.
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| My Mona Lisa. |
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